Archive for the “Self Satisfaction” Category

Two weeks ago, we were at the Downtown Salt lake City Farmer’s Market in Pioneer park, doing our usual sampling, but never buying of the local salsas. However after three years of free loading, we finally decided that this time, we would put out the six bucks for a salsa base mix.

We purchased our base mix from Miracle Salsa. A local Salsa company. The base of all of their salsas, is  Apple Cider Vinegar, Raw Utah Honey, and Garlic. The base mix we purchased, is made of these three base ingredients, plus Rosemary, Cayenne, ginger and salt.

Sara made salsa right away. She used fresh heirloom tomatoes from the student garden at City Academy; a local charter school. She added onions, garlic, cilantro, and Serrano Chillies. The salsa was of course, delicious, but being raw foodists, we had no chips for it. We could have run to the local Mexican Market and gotten chips, but then we would have done the ultimate raw food sin (eat crap, that tastes like crap, because we were so damned impatient.)

Sara kept eating the salsa by the spoon full, she was practically shoving it in by the heal of her hand. She had no chips but would not stop.  “It’s sooo good” she would exclaim.

I think it looks disgusting when people just eat condiments, like eating spoonfuls of ketchup.

I knew I had to make my most delicious chips, so as to continue loving my wife.

To make my Flaxxy Corn Chips you need:

1 1/2 cups Golden Flax Seeds

2 1/2 cups filtered, spring, or well water

1/2 Cup Carrot pulp (leftover from juicing)

1 Ear fresh Sweet Corn

2 Tbsp. Nama Shoyu (unpasteurized Soy sauce)

2 Tbsp. Raw Honey

2 Tbsp. Fresh chopped Onion

1 Clove Garlic

1 1/2 tsp. Indian Red Chilli

1/2 tsp. Cayenne

1/2 tsp. Garam Masala

Method:

The night before, pour the water over the flax seeds, let them stand on the counter. By morning they’ll look like a boogery gloop (it’s okay, this gloop is what holds your chips together.) Put everything in the food processor, in whichever order makes you feel more powerful and full of yourself. process it until its a nice homogenized glop. There will still be loads of unchopped flax seeds, you worry too much, its unimportant. Move to next step.

Transfer the glop onto several nonstick dehydrator sheets (or plastic wrap if you are cheap.)  Spread it out to about an 1/8 of an inch thick. Dehydrate the gluey goop for however long it needs, in order to become crisp. Set your dehydrator as hot as your particular sect of Raw Food Religion will allow. When they are dry enough, transfer them onto the standard tray and do away with the non-stick sheets. Oh, and you can also do this in the sun at no cost to you.

Taste them, they’re delicious! Dip them in salsa, glue them to your walls, make crafts out of them. Hell you could put them in your underwear, to ward of evil spirits. Enjoy!

First off, I just want to apologize to everyone about the poor weather.

Yeah, my fault entirely. You see, I spent all the winter months, remodeling my house, and one of the final steps, was to bulid in the new gas fireplace.

Well, you can understand my disapointment when it promptly warmed up, and I never got a chance to use my new firplace.

Then I made a big boo boo. I uttered a prayer. Now I know, most people wouldn’t think of me as a froo froo prayer person. It was an accident.

I said “Goddamn  this good weather! I want to be able to use my F#@&ing fireplace!” Well… turns out, there is a God and sometimes he gets bored.

So I figure God was up there on his throne in the clouds, twiddeling his thumbs (an eternity of preventing per-marital sex is an awful dull existance) when he hears my accidental prayer.

God figures he’ll have himself a few laughs, then BAM two weeks of rain. It’s even going to rain on my birthday. It’s never rained on my birthday.  Never.

Well ha ha God, I get the point. Don’t take your name in vain, and all that jazz. Any chance you could throw me another bone, and not allow the rain to come rolling back in this weekend? No? Goddammit.

I love living in Utah. I love the scenery, and I love the weather. We get the best of every season! Beautiful springs, with flowers budding, and bees buzzing. Our local honey is to die for!  We are the beehive state! (although I think that has more to do with the crappy wages that our Mormon work force is willing to work for.)

We get hot summer days (perfect for swimming.) Cool summer nights (perfect for camping and sitting around the firepit.) If you are an outdoor enthusiast Utah is quite possibly the most desirable place in the country. (as long as we can keep the republicans from raping everything.)

Fall in Utah can hold it’s weight against any other state in the union, have you ever seen an entire forest of quaking aspen as the trees bundle up for winter?  It’s beautiful with it’s golden yellows, surrounded by the red underbrush. Soon the leaves will fall,  the homeless will migrate to Santa Monica, and everyone starts bundling up in designer scarfs and hats. (here is Jeremiah sporting one of Sara’s hand knitted Viking helmets.)

… and yes I love winter too. When the snow falls, even my horrible landscape looks like a fairy land. The movie stars visit in January, and the cities overcompensate with lights and merriment. Ice skating, and cross country skiing. It’s wonderful!

The only thing missing, is an irresponsible Gay night life… Sorry Jose, guess you’ll have to start dating women.

Right, so, Maria; bless her heart, has pointed out to me, that telling everyone that I got a camera, then writng nothing about it is rude.

So, I got an Olympus FE-340 (pictured below)

I bought it at Office Depot. Office Depot Charges more than anyone else for this camera, so that when they put it on sale you feel like you’re saving even more money that you really are.

I paid $99 buckaroonies for it.

I really like it, because it’s red.

Red is Sara’s favorite color, which makes this camera extra awesome. Awewsome, because it’s mine and not Sara’s.

A little while back, I surprised Sara when a bought her a Sony Camera. She loved her camera very much, but her camera is not red, it’s silver.

Silver is the color of the backs of male Gorillas, red it the color of fun.

In other words, I am now a superior and massively awesome person. While Sara is simply a Silver Back Gorilla. All she does is eat leaves and berries all day, lame.

To add icing to the cake, I also got this slick red camera bag. It’s a spectrum 10 by Lowrepro.

Sara’s been so jealous, that she has to cry herself to sleep every single nap, and that makes me so happy.

I was like “don’t worry baby, your camera is better, sure whatever.”

I love moments when I can one up my wife!

Kaching!

Do you know what that sound is? The sound of money. Cold, hard, cash.

You can find out how I went from sharing an apartment, to owning a grand Victorian house, and more than doubling my income, ABSOLUTELY FREE!!

NO GIMMICKS, NO MEMBERSHIP, NO PUNY LITTLE TASTE.

I’m going to let every man, woman, and child in the world know my secrets FOR FREE.

Why? Because I want to give something back, to help everyone else enjoy the same level of success that I have.

Are you ready for this?

GET ANOTHER JOB!

For best results, get a second one.

No joke! Just like that, I doubled my income OVERNIGHT!

AND SO CAN YOU!!

This isn’t one of those get rich quick schemes you see everywhere on the internet, this is…

THE REAL DEAL!!

All you have to do is follow my simple TWELVE STEP PROGRAM:

1- Remember that you must always follow my TWELVE STEP PROGRAM!!

2- Expel your addiction to free time.

3- Take time to come to terms with your sleeping habits. Then OVERCOME them.

4- Allow yourself to shed all of your self doubt. Then get some NOT DOUBT!

5- Realize that if I deserve success, SO DO YOU!

6- Divide your time to make room for more work.

7- Execute the plan.

8- Decide your goals. Then achieve them.

9-  Identify with your higher power, or mother.

10- Damn there are a lot of D’s in this list.

11- Eliminate your obstacles to success. FOREVER!

12- After all this crap, just go get a second job at MCDONALDS OR SOMETHING!

Remember you can have the same successes I have. All you need is a little hard work. Really hard work… and lots of it.

Sometimes you’ll even think ” This isn’t worth it… just rememember… um… Jesus Died For You.” So, get out there and make some money.

It’s 2009. The world has changed a lot in one single year.

We all made New Years resolutions yesterday. I figured I’d share a few:

My top ten Resolutions:

10- Actually work on last years resolutions.

9- Try not to make fun of other peoples resolutions.

8- Maybe just back off a little, on teasing the neighbor’s dogs.

7- Shoot that rooster.

6- Brush regularly, (not just say I do).

5- Only fold and put away Sara’s clean clothes.

4- A dog door does not count as a walk.

3- Wash the baby’s face.

2- Shower daily.

And the number one resolution for 2009…

1- Turn on the baby monitor.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Here’s little baby Archimedes, barely two days old. Getting his first ever “Daddy provided sustinence”

We’ve seen a huge movement in the last few years in regards to the importance of getting newborn babies to their Mommy’s breast as quickly as possible. Few people realize the importance of getting babies to their Daddy’s noses as quickly as possible.

It’s especially important that babies receive the nose in the first few days of birth, when they are most susceptible to infection.

As you can see, we did not hesitate to get Archimedes to the nose as soon as possible and I’m proud to let other parents know that my son was “nose fed.”

It’s looking back at the little things like this that explain so much about my happy healthy child.

Here’s me and little baby Archimedes.

At this point he’s one day old. (yes, I know I claimed he was born several days ago, two years ago, but it’s the holidays and time stands still when I tell it to.)

He’s so very tired. Yesteryear he’d just plowed his way down the birth canal. Just about took the whole canal with him too. Luckily our very skilled midwife was able to reattach Sara’s legs.

Little did we know, that this was the last time we would ever sleep through the night. Neither Sara, nor I had expected to be woke up every night, every hour, for two years to the sound of Booby, Boobidy, Boobdy Booobdee!

Aw, the little things in life we never cherished until we lost them. Like going to the bathroom without upsetting the little “rule maker.”

Yes, it was all smiles and happiness two years ago.

… and you know what?

It still is!

Last night I had the most incredible dream.

In the dream I was apologizing to an ex-girlfriend, we’ll call her… Moonbeam… Moonbeam Smytherton. I was apologizing for not attending her best friend’s funeral. (which was sort of crummy of me, and I really do feel bad about that one.)

Anyway, in the dream, while I’m apologizing, Moonbeam starts trying to seduce me. In the middle of this attempted seduction, she insults my wife.

Then I punched her in her face. POW! Right in the kisser. In the dream, it even made the original Batman POW sound.

Oh man, it felt so good to sock her good, (in dream land of course).

It was so refreshing, I’d have liked to wollup her a good one in the real world too, but in the dream world, it was way less illegal.

Later on, in the dream, her brother (we’ll call him… Greg… Greg Smytherton.) He was real mad about the sockaroo that I gave his baby sister, so he came over all upset like. He said to me “you know, that was a real not cool thing you did, thwackin’ my sister good.”

So I thumped him good too.

I was like a regular hero. Thumping up every jerk I’ve ever met.

No, one insults my wife and gets away with it! Not even in my dreams.

Alas, now I’m awake, and I have to go back to being mild mannered Zach Moses. Wouldn’t hurt a fly… well I hate flies, so I’d smash them good. So, maybe a dog, I wouldn’t hurt a dog.

compliments of hasbro

I was at Walmart the other day and I saw these two women going at it over the last Fur Real Dog.

I’ve never had, nor heard of a Fur Real Pet before, so I went to the Hasbro’s website to read about them. The site goes on and on, trying to convince you that these pets are so life like, that they seem like real pets.

They just look like toys to me, and not very advanced at that.

I kept racking my brain about it and then it finally hit me.

They skinned a bunch of dogs and put the skin on the toy.

The FUR is REAL! Wow! What a mind blow! How sick is this?

Maybe we should all stand outside the Walmart, and throw red paint at the people buying these toys.

We can all make signs that say “Fur Real is Murder!” Just imagine Paris Hilton coming down the red carpet, Fur Real pet under her arm, then… Whamo! Red paint everywhere!