First off, I just want to apologize to everyone about the poor weather.
Yeah, my fault entirely. You see, I spent all the winter months, remodeling my house, and one of the final steps, was to bulid in the new gas fireplace.
Well, you can understand my disapointment when it promptly warmed up, and I never got a chance to use my new firplace.
Then I made a big boo boo. I uttered a prayer. Now I know, most people wouldn’t think of me as a froo froo prayer person. It was an accident.
I said “Goddamn this good weather! I want to be able to use my F#@&ing fireplace!” Well… turns out, there is a God and sometimes he gets bored.
So I figure God was up there on his throne in the clouds, twiddeling his thumbs (an eternity of preventing per-marital sex is an awful dull existance) when he hears my accidental prayer.
God figures he’ll have himself a few laughs, then BAM two weeks of rain. It’s even going to rain on my birthday. It’s never rained on my birthday. Never.
Well ha ha God, I get the point. Don’t take your name in vain, and all that jazz. Any chance you could throw me another bone, and not allow the rain to come rolling back in this weekend? No? Goddammit.
Last night I went out to the Maverick station, to pick up the movie Hancock, from the Redbox. After the machine ejected the movie, I notice a Whipple serviceman; wrenching at his work van’s bumper, with a crowbar. I asked what was wrong, and he said he slid on the ice and hit the bridge. He just needed to get the bumper out of his tire so he could get home.
I offered my assistance.
Since I own a Handy Man company, I have lots of tools in the back of my Van. We tried MacGyvering several tools to help our cause, ending in only bleeding knuckles. In the end, I came up with a bright idea of using a long Crowbar, a Cats Paw, and a Scissor Jack to move his bumper out enough to get him moving. He was very grateful (even though he could only make left turns) and thanked my profusely. This is his first ever Utah winter… not off to a good start.
At least I was able to bring him a little holiday spirit, and a rare view of my compassionate side.
Besides Whipple and I have history:
Last winter, almost spring, our furnace began blowing carbon monoxide all over the place. We found out when we had a Whipple serviceman out to our house to put a green sticker on our furnace. We would have just shut it down, and waited to replace it, but it was still cold outside, and we still needed the heat, so as not to die. It would have been $3,000.00 to replace the furnace, but since we we’re planning to put in A/C eventually, we decided to up the bid.
Grand total?
It cost $7,000.00, to put central air into the house. That’s an awful lot of money.
Now, on the one hand, I was upset at Whipple for finding this expensive problem (plus, how do I know the serviceman wasn’t full of balogna anyway.) On the other hand, I don’t want to die. Besides having A/C is so nice.
So, after much thought, I decided I was just thankful that they protected my family, and loaned us the money to have Central Air.
Went out exploring around my house. I was so very excited to see there is a Salvation Army in my neighborhood.
It was awkward when I went in. They asked if I was there for the “Youth Outreach Program.”
“No, just browsing” I said.
Then they asked if I would like to attend one of their services that would be starting any minute.
I replied “Isn’t this a thrift store?”
“No, no, this is a place of worship.” She told me, her eyes all full-up with Jesus.
“Oh my…” You see, I’m not a religious man, it’s very awkward for me when I accidentally walk right into the lions den.
It was like they had ESP. Random people moved to block the exits in the name of Fellowship. It was like a bad episode of Intervention.
I tried to act as polite as possible, as I’m looking for the exit signs.
They knew what I was trying to do. Bullets of sweat were running into my eyes, and they knew they could convert me through pressure. I’m weak, sure I’m an atheist, but by golly, I’ll convert to anything to avoid having to talk about it!
However, In the end I prevailed. The bells rang, and they invited me into the service. I said, “I’d love to join you,” and ran as fast as I could out the way I came in.
Born sometime in the Spring of 2008. Missing in action Fall 2008.
Beaktard, age 8 months, returned home to her Heavenly Father sometime this fall (no one was really paying attention) After a two week battle with letting herself out of the gate. Beaktard was diagnosed with a genetic condition called Beak Retardedness. Beak Retardedness is a condition that emerges within 4 weeks of life that affects the alignment of the beak. This made it very difficult for her to eat. Her bottom beak stuck way out to the left and was always full of dirt, while her top beak was making the scoop a de scoop to the right. Her tongue stuck out the center like a little antenna .
Sara euphemistically named her Deliverance quoting “You got a purdy mouth boy,” this is a famous line from the 1972 movie Deliverance. Below is a clip from the movie. Watch, and remember.
Many believed beaktard would not survive, and suggested we put her out of her misery. She did survive… till she went and got her self killed by wandering too far from The Chicken Village.
She was born this spring in an incubator with many other motherless chicks, and sold to us by a local IFA Store.
Beaktard was a faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, advancing in the ranks of the priesthood, serving as Deacon, Teacher, Priest, Elder, Seventy, Apostle, and Prophet. She also served a two month mission to Africa the country. She went to college at Brigham Young University and died an old maid.
Beaktard’s biggest dream was to eventually marry in the Salt Lake City Temple. She never got the chance.
Beaktard also never got the chance to cook up any eggs for us, but she had a good life. She adopted two rabbits.
Beaktard was an extremely strong, patient, kind, and friendly chicken who worked hard to win over the affection of the humans who would have otherwise eaten her. She loved her Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ and was totally devoted to them. She loved the gospel of Jesus Christ, and enjoyed her job as Chicken.
Beaktard is survived by her two known living sisters, Larca, and Egglantine. She was proud that she was a chicken even when she had to eat with the side of her head flat against the pavement.
She vanished, but until then she was surrounded by loved ones, who kept tossing her back over the fence.
A memorial service will be held at the Church of Brunch on Sunday November 16th at 11:00 am
Friends and family are invited to offer condolences by e-mailing zach@zachmoses.com. Or by giving us money.
November 4th marked a day that will go down in history. A day when we saw huge changes in The Civil Rights Movement, unfortunately it’s also a prime example of two steps forward one step back.
You see, Apparently “Getting out the Vote” sort of backfired in California.
I guess not every Democrat is a liberal after all. It appears that the majority of Black’s and Latinos; the ones who normally don’t vote, do not approve of gay people. Or at least their churches don’t like ‘em.
Nice of them to all come out, and vote in Obama, while simultaneously kicking the gay rights in the mouth by voting yes on Prop 8. Nice of them to make that grand statement: For and Against Civil Rights on Tuesday.
You’d think these people could see parallel lines. I’m so glad I don’t go to church.
I found an interesting hole in Christianity. Now I know Christianity is… ahem, infallible but I was sitting thinking and it occurred to me that there was in fact a hole.
I was having an argument with a godder the other day, she was telling me about the importance of jesus being sent down to save my soul.
This was accomplished by killing him. This is Gods plan. Jesus would be sent to Earth, he would be killed, and the rest of us would be forgiven for God only knows what.
Problem: God planned to have Jesus killed. He was the top guy or lets say God, to keep it simple. If God knew Jesus was going to die, even planned it, then that means God directly violated his own Commandment. That would be commandment #6 “you shall not murder”. This would also make him the ultimate waffler.
Now you might say, “No, God didn’t kill Jesus, man did.”
If you plan a murder, then hire an assassin to do the work, doesn’t that make you just as much a murderer as the assassin?
I pointed this thought out to the woman, she told me that right and wrong do not apply to God, that he is almighty and knows best. I told her that that was just silly. She told me that a mightier being was necessary, that it was only natural.
This is what she explained:
First there are the plants, and ruling over the plants are the animals, ruling over the animals are the people, and ruling over the people is God. We are all connected in a chain. And God is at the top of that chain exempt from the judgment of those below him.
The only thing I could think was:
“The top of the chain? Holy shit God plans to eat me.”
Today my friend Dawn and I went to the zoo with our children.
I have one boy, Dawn has one boy and one girl. We are both finished having children.
I grew up Mormon, and come from a family of 15 children. At Hogle Zoo in Salt lake city, you can buy a year long admission membership for $50, this would include Two parents, and all their children. I have one boy, my mom had 10 boys and 5 girls. We would both pay $50. I heard people tell the Zoo they had 8 kids and they didn’t bat an eye. This seems, not so fair to me, but sounds like a really good deal for mormons.
For those of you who don’t know what mormons are, here is a quick overview.
Moromons:
Big families with as many kids as possible. No drinking/smoking/sex (unless to make babies). Must attend church on sunday, then you must rest (rest would exclude anything you might find enjoyable like riding a bike or playing).
Mormon church services are very boring. Like office meetings only more boring.
Mormon girls are to remain virgins until they are married. Exceptions: Anal Sex
Famous mormon joke: What does a mormon girl do at a party when she finds out that there is drugs and alcohol? … She puts on her clothes and leaves.
Mormons send out missionaries to get new members. Here is some video by John Safran.
First off, I just want to apologize to everyone about the poor weather.
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