Archive for the “Preaching” Category

Sara’s friend Erica came over for brunch this Sunday, and I surprised them with Raw Almond Hummus. I had no idea if the hummus would turn out, but I figured I’d give it a try. I looked all over the internet for a recipe that would work. They all seemed to call for the same basic things, so I improvised the amounts of ingredients into something that sounded good to me.

It was delicious, which is great considering how easily it could have become raw almond diaper cream. Two very different flavors, with very similar textures.

I modified a recipe from GoDairyFree.com (going dairy free, is something I am very opposed to. I advocate for Raw Milk instead.) The only thing this recipe is missing is a splash of  raw milk! In fact, I felt it was missing a certain kind of splash of milk. A  splash, like the ones you get when you’re best friend’s obnoxious ex-girlfriend is at the party, drinking herself to embarrassment , and she splashes vodka down her front and all over your new shoes… That’s the kind of splash of milk I put into the hummus… Yeah that kind.

Anyway the food was fabulous, especially the smoothies, which were made with Kefir. Kefir which I have kept alive for several years. Here are some photos of the process:

Here is the kefir/kefir grains in a mason jar. They have spent 24 hours in the jar awaiting this moment.

Kefir before, or "Kefore"

The Strainer keeps the kefir grains up top, while the snotty milk stuffs goes to the bottom.

You have to be careful not to break the grains

Now the grains go back in the jar.

And some go into Archimedes mouth.

Fresh raw milk goes over the grains.

This is the finished Kefir, this is what we eat. It goes into the smoothie. Along with a couple raw eggs!

Kefir is sour, so it needs lots of berries, and bananas.

Yummy Smoothies Horray!

First off, I just want to apologize to everyone about the poor weather.

Yeah, my fault entirely. You see, I spent all the winter months, remodeling my house, and one of the final steps, was to bulid in the new gas fireplace.

Well, you can understand my disapointment when it promptly warmed up, and I never got a chance to use my new firplace.

Then I made a big boo boo. I uttered a prayer. Now I know, most people wouldn’t think of me as a froo froo prayer person. It was an accident.

I said “Goddamn  this good weather! I want to be able to use my F#@&ing fireplace!” Well… turns out, there is a God and sometimes he gets bored.

So I figure God was up there on his throne in the clouds, twiddeling his thumbs (an eternity of preventing per-marital sex is an awful dull existance) when he hears my accidental prayer.

God figures he’ll have himself a few laughs, then BAM two weeks of rain. It’s even going to rain on my birthday. It’s never rained on my birthday.  Never.

Well ha ha God, I get the point. Don’t take your name in vain, and all that jazz. Any chance you could throw me another bone, and not allow the rain to come rolling back in this weekend? No? Goddammit.

I love living in Utah. I love the scenery, and I love the weather. We get the best of every season! Beautiful springs, with flowers budding, and bees buzzing. Our local honey is to die for!  We are the beehive state! (although I think that has more to do with the crappy wages that our Mormon work force is willing to work for.)

We get hot summer days (perfect for swimming.) Cool summer nights (perfect for camping and sitting around the firepit.) If you are an outdoor enthusiast Utah is quite possibly the most desirable place in the country. (as long as we can keep the republicans from raping everything.)

Fall in Utah can hold it’s weight against any other state in the union, have you ever seen an entire forest of quaking aspen as the trees bundle up for winter?  It’s beautiful with it’s golden yellows, surrounded by the red underbrush. Soon the leaves will fall,  the homeless will migrate to Santa Monica, and everyone starts bundling up in designer scarfs and hats. (here is Jeremiah sporting one of Sara’s hand knitted Viking helmets.)

… and yes I love winter too. When the snow falls, even my horrible landscape looks like a fairy land. The movie stars visit in January, and the cities overcompensate with lights and merriment. Ice skating, and cross country skiing. It’s wonderful!

The only thing missing, is an irresponsible Gay night life… Sorry Jose, guess you’ll have to start dating women.

I’ve been asking myself this question a lot latley. When do we consider ourselves rich?

I have friends who make ten times as much money as me, they all tell me that they are not rich. If that is not rich, then when the hell are you rich?

Can you imagine what I could do with TEN TIMES as much money!?

With the economic recession and the way the media spins it, you’d think the United states is fast becoming a third world country.

I decided to step back and look at my life.

According to the U.S. Government I am considered working poor.

If I play the “Keeping Up With The Joneses” game, I definitely feel like working poor.

For instance, when my buddy shows up in his brand new forty thousand dollar sports car, donning his snazzy new clothes. Clothes, that he did not have to buy from the thrift town.

Sometimes, it’s enough to really get me down.

Of course, I could look at it from another perspective.

I only work Two days a week, and I get to spend the rest of the time home with my son.

So, In an effort to not get caught in this horrible rat race, consuming cycle, I’ve been thinking about all the parts of the world, where life is just a little bit crummy.

Like San Francisco, one of the most beautiful cities in America. Where my rent, for my iddy biddy bedroom, in a shared apartment, topped the cost of my entire mortgage where I currently live. I own a house! That’s something I never dreamed of in San Francisco.

When I compare my life to other parts of the world, or to other time periods, I’m quite wealthy.

It’s really how you look at things.

The Pessimist in me says, that I have a run down old house, in a bad part of town. I drive a 14 year old gas guzzler. I can’t afford health insurance, I pour all of my extra money into my money pit of a house etc. etc.

While the Optimist in me says, that I got a great deal on an Old Victorian house, in an up and coming neighborhood. I drive a luxury van that is in fantastic shape, (complete with T.V.).  I have enough money that I can afford to go to the Doctor in an Emergency. I have my health. I make enough extra money that I can spare a bunch of it, remodeling my house into something really grand etc. etc.

The Pessimistic point of view makes me feel dirt poor.

The Optimistic point of view, would make me seem like a very wealthy man.

We as Americans need to recognize our wealth. Even the poorest of us can afford central heating, and running water. Luxuries some parts of the world would kill for… literally.

Life is a lot better when you realize you’re rich anyway.

When I made the post a few days ago making fun of Acai Berries, Dr. Oz, and Oprah, I had no idea what diligent supporters they had.

It reminds me so much of California’s Prop 8, that was just passed. People were interviewed, and even if they were against prop 8, they would say things like “at heart, I’m opposed to Prop 8, but I stand by my church.” These individuals were willing to go against their beliefs, just because Thomas S. Monson says so.

Apparently this same fanatisism is held for Oprah and Dr. Oz.

Half the people who read my post couldn’t help themselves, but lash out at me over the fun I poked at Oprah and Oz.

Here’s the most common thing people say: “Have you seen Dr. Oz? He’s brilliant, his Acai berries really work.” I don’t care if they work, I’m a funny man. It’s not my job to care. It’s my job to stand up in front of you and make you laugh.

Did you people actually read my post!?

It’s Acai berries and Laxatives instead of exercise, that I poked fun at.Everyone needs to let go of this Sacred Cow.

Besides, this diet is no different then every other diet Oprah tries to cram down our throats, Like Atkins, this is no different then when Oprah was shoving that crap down our throats several years ago.

Also, if you are overweight, and my post offended you, either work on your weight, or work on your self image.  Eating a bunch of Berries wont solve your problem, and neither will Oprah. I’ve seen Oprah gain, lose, and regain hundred of pounds since I was a little kid, I wouldn’t trust her advise as far as I could throw her. Which varies depending on how fat she currently is.

Can Organic Farming Save the World? Or is Poison Better?

God Damn! Is that not a loaded question? I just read this headline on an article posted at Nutrition Research Center dot org.

Why even bother reading the article?

I didn’t.

I’m sure the title sums up the whole thing.

Poison?

The government wouldn’t allow anything that could hurt us to happen to our food.

Would they?

You see this basket of apples? They look good don’t they? These apples would technically be organic. They’ve never, ever, been sprayed with pesticides, ever. They have never gotten fertilizer, organic or otherwise. These apples were picked from the yard of our neighbor. This is a yard that hasn’t been set foot in since the great depression. I picked them because of the current recession.

I got these apples for free. This is not usually the case with apples.

Most the time if you want a decent apple, you have to get it organic, and it’s going to cost you your whole pay check.

Why? Because they didn’t spray it with poison.

Wait a minute…

WTF? I have to pay more because they didn’t spray poison on my food!?

For Organic apples, the farmer choses to do nothing to the food. Like these apples in the basket, if the Farmer does absolutely nothing evil, he can label it Organic and triple his Profits.

Hooray for the small farms, The Farmer twiddles his thumbs and waits for the apples to grow. What does he do with the wormy apples? He makes them into Applesauce, and we eat those too. Meanwhile Farmer sells the pretty apples for five times as much at the grocery store because he “protected” the apples from poison.

That sounds like the Mafia.

The Organic Produce Mafia.

We are paying for protection when we buy Organic Produce. We are paying Three to Ten times as much for a little Government label that says “Don’t worry, we wont let that mean old farmer come in and poison you and your kids. Just cough up a little more cash, and we wont break your legs.”

Good Job America!

I saw an article for reducing belly fat, that I was compelled to read for reasons I don’t quite understand.

In the article, “the Lisa” gives us a lecture about how fat women aren’t lazy, they’re too busy. Life makes them fat, not laziness. Here is the direct quote from the site: “Who wants to come home after a full day of work, put kids to sleep, and jump straight on the treadmill? Not me, that’s for sure. And it has nothing to do with laziness.”

Not me, that’s for sure? Oh I think that has everything to do with laziness!

Now she’s come up with her own new diet. It requires no physical activity whatsoever ! Using a combination of Acai berries and colon cleanses.

She got the Idea from Dr. Oz on the Oprah Show.

“Dr. Oz explained how Acai helps you lose weight by reducing hunger and raising energy levels.”

Wow, did you hear that? Eating a berry can actually reduce hunger and raise energy! This is new, if only we could eat other things to reduce hunger and raise energy. None of us would be fat! I don’t understand how reducing hunger and raising energy levels would help you lose weight, but if it was said on TV it has to be true.

Maybe we could eat donuts too! They reduce hunger and raise energy as well. Oh and French Fries! Bratwursts! Oh thank god for Dr. Oz! All these years, if only all the fat people out there, had just known that the secret to weight loss was to eat things that reduce hunger and raise energy levels. I’m going out right now to binge on bread.

In case anyone missed the sarcasm, this doesn’t make any sense. You don’t lose weight by eating things that reduce hunger and increase energy. The only food that doesn’t reduce hunger is Chinese Food.

Since this doesn’t work, the second part of the diet is a colon cleanse, or in other words a Laxative. Eat all the berries you want, this will reduce your hunger, then take a laxative so you can shit them out before you get a chance to gain weight! Brilliant, it’s like bulimia, only you’re puking out your ass. Thank you Oprah! You help us so much.

While we’re on the topic of terrible diets, here’s a new one I’ve come up with. Drink nothing but energy drinks, eat nothing but styrophoam packing peanuts. The styrophoam packing peanuts will reduce hunger, while the Redbulls give you an energy shock. You won’t gain any weight because you’ll be dead, and you’ll be the envy of all your friends in your Mahogany coffin.

Every night I have to go through the house and do a retard check.

You know, like making sure that all the other people in my house haven’t done retarded things. IE: leaving lights on, leaving cheese on the counter. Leaving the back door open.

How hard is it to close a back door anyway?

My personal favorite retarded move is leaving shit in the toilet. “Its just that I get so used to not flushing it, when it’s just pee,” they say.

Who fucking thought up that idea? Leave a stinky toilet full of piss? WTF? I don’t want other peoples piss splashing back at me!

Or more terrible (for me anyway)”I didn’t want to go all the way downstairs to turn off the light.” This one never gets old. What the hell is the point of being so handy, if no one uses the god damned three way light switch I installed! You don’t have to go downstairs. You just have to lift your arm!

Now Archimedes has figured out how to turn on the TV!

Aurghh… the worst part of the whole thing? How unimportant all my pet peeves are! It’s not fair.

700 billion dollars? 700 billion dollars!

There are roughly 300 million people in America. 225 Million of them are Adult Tax payers. Our government wants to stimulate the economy by forcing us to pay 700 billion dollars to private companies so they can fix their bottom lines. These are companies that are run so poorly, that they not only cannot float through a recession, They caused it!

NEW IDEA: give the money to the American People.

That’s $3,111.12, for every single American Taxpayer.

That’s $6,222.24 for every Couple.

Give me and my wife $6,222.24 and we’ll keep America moving.

Why is the Economy collapsing? People aren’t paying for things. So what’s our government going to do? They’re just going to give failing companies money for doing nothing. Companies fail when they don’t work properly. We need to let them fail. If we are so worried about Jobs, how about we create 700 billion worth of public jobs for all the people who loose their jobs? That would be over 23 million new jobs all paying at least $30 thousand dollars a year.

How about we as Americans decide where the money goes. We’ll pay it towards the things that we feel are worth keeping around.

Worried about the Automobile industry? How about $6,222.24 toward a new car.

Can’t pay your Mortgage? How about $6,222.24 towards it?

Remember the Government is also out of money. So, where are they getting 700 billion dollars? From you and me. We have to pay it all back over the next couple of decades. If money is being borrowed in my name, I want to be the one who fucking spends it.

A couple of weeks ago I parked my van outside a clients house on the eastern bench of Salt Lake City. Because of the slope of the hill, I turned my wheals into the curb to avoid my car rolling down the hill. (a few years ago, Sara left a bunch of dumb shit dogs in her truck which knocked it out of gear. The car was totaled.)

There was a time limit on parking. When I went out to check my tires for chalk marks, I noticed that the steel belting was showing through on the inside edge of my tire. The wear on the tire varied from almost new on the outside edge, to almost popping on the inside edge.

I found this alarming, and only procrastinated two weeks to get the Van looked at.

I went in today, and the mechanic said “I hope you’re in about your wheels,” before I’d even said anything.

“Yeah, I noticed this tire wear, and I just want to make sure everything is okay.”

The mechanic lifted the van, and proceeded to show me all the broken stuff in my front end.

“Another couple of days, and you would probably have rolled your van.”

“Rolled!?” I exclaimed.

“Yeah, this is not Honda Civic. If those joints went, this top heavy vehicle would have rolled at almost any speed.”

Jesus Christ! I hadn’t expected to hear that! I could have gotten seriously hurt! Worse yet, I could have injured other members of my family.

Go get your vehicles checked, or check them yourselves. OFTEN.