I love living in Utah. I love the scenery, and I love the weather. We get the best of every season! Beautiful springs, with flowers budding, and bees buzzing. Our local honey is to die for! We are the beehive state! (although I think that has more to do with the crappy wages that our Mormon work force is willing to work for.)
We get hot summer days (perfect for swimming.) Cool summer nights (perfect for camping and sitting around the firepit.) If you are an outdoor enthusiast Utah is quite possibly the most desirable place in the country. (as long as we can keep the republicans from raping everything.)
Fall in Utah can hold it’s weight against any other state in the union, have you ever seen an entire forest of quaking aspen as the trees bundle up for winter? It’s beautiful with it’s golden yellows, surrounded by the red underbrush. Soon the leaves will fall, the homeless will migrate to Santa Monica, and everyone starts bundling up in designer scarfs and hats. (here is Jeremiah sporting one of Sara’s hand knitted Viking helmets.)
… and yes I love winter too. When the snow falls, even my horrible landscape looks like a fairy land. The movie stars visit in January, and the cities overcompensate with lights and merriment. Ice skating, and cross country skiing. It’s wonderful!
The only thing missing, is an irresponsible Gay night life… Sorry Jose, guess you’ll have to start dating women.
He was born on Christmas Eve, Nineteen Thirty Eight.
Dad was always a little bit upset about being born on Christmas Eve. Throughout his childhood, most of his presents said Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas!
The thing that was most upsetting about this, was the fact that the gifts were never any bigger for having combined the two holidays together, it just made it cheaper, and easier on the gift givers.
Dad Passed away in April of 2007. He fell ill in February, right after Archimedes was born. We went down to see him in the hospital, but we were afraid to bring our new baby into the hospital to meet his Grandpa for the first time. We didn’t know why Dad was sick, and we didn’t want to infect our little guy. I regret this decision very much. Four days later, my dad crashed, and the doctors put him into a drug induced coma to save his life (yeah I know, the coma sounds kind of stupid in retrospect.) Dad never met his new grandson.
This photo was from Christmas of 2007. Dad was eating a giant Hershey’s Kiss that I re-gifted to him from a student at City Academy. Sara and I went down to see my Mom and Dad for Christmas that year at the very last minute. I’m so very glad we did, because it was the last time we saw my dad before seeing him dying in a hospital.
It was all very surreal, I had always expected my father to live until he was well into his eighties or nineties. He had just build a 6 foot stone wall in his backyard a month earlier. Maybe all the times he ate cereal with sour milk, in order to save money finally caught up with him.
I really miss my dad, and it’s always especially hard on Christmas Eve (Dad’s Birthday). I’ll never really be able to associate Christmas with the birth of Santa ever again, Christmas for me will always be the last great time I spent with my Dad.
After the funeral, we all raided Dad’s old things, or new things, since Dad would never use anything if it was “too nice.” The thing that was hardest for me, was that my father never really wrote anything down. So their aren’t many tear jerking journal entries to read. However, my Mom did find a poem that he wrote several years ago. I thought I might share it with everyone as a tribute to my dad.
A Desert Storm
As the dawn broke, morning shadows fled to hide within their caves.
And the cool breeze brought the white clouds in billowing waves.
As the clouds began to fill the sky, and through the air to churn,
They sent a call on the rising breeze for the shadows to return.
Upon the wings of the rising breeze, went the call across the land,
Till shadows — very slow and thick at first, crept across the desert sand.
Suddenly it seemed, for moments , that the elements lost strength.
The call was ceased, the winds died low, and the shadows gained no length.
But the call came back on a racing wind, from the ever darkening clouds,
And the shadows raced across the sand in giant, ominous shrouds.
From the black clouds gushed forth torrents of rain upon the sand,
Which raced across the dryness, like darting fingers of a hand.
Soon appeared deep, gaping gullies filled with raging, swollen streams,
Which pushed and raged against their banks as if to break their seams.
Then as sudden as it started, rains ceased, wind died away —
The furious black clouds parted, letting through the light of day.
The swollen streams receded, like the closing of a palm,
Till accross the desert vastness, crept a hushed and awesome calm.
And now in the calm, all evidence, of the furious storm was gone.
Except for the deep cut gullies, winding on and on and on.
In the article, “the Lisa” gives us a lecture about how fat women aren’t lazy, they’re too busy. Life makes them fat, not laziness. Here is the direct quote from the site: “Who wants to come home after a full day of work, put kids to sleep, and jump straight on the treadmill? Not me, that’s for sure. And it has nothing to do with laziness.”
Not me, that’s for sure? Oh I think that has everything to do with laziness!
Now she’s come up with her own new diet. It requires no physical activity whatsoever ! Using a combination of Acai berries and colon cleanses.
“Dr. Oz explained how Acai helps you lose weight by reducing hunger and raising energy levels.”
Wow, did you hear that? Eating a berry can actually reduce hunger and raise energy! This is new, if only we could eat other things to reduce hunger and raise energy. None of us would be fat! I don’t understand how reducing hunger and raising energy levels would help you lose weight, but if it was said on TV it has to be true.
Maybe we could eat donuts too! They reduce hunger and raise energy as well. Oh and French Fries! Bratwursts! Oh thank god for Dr. Oz! All these years, if only all the fat people out there, had just known that the secret to weight loss was to eat things that reduce hunger and raise energy levels. I’m going out right now to binge on bread.
In case anyone missed the sarcasm, this doesn’t make any sense. You don’t lose weight by eating things that reduce hunger and increase energy. The only food that doesn’t reduce hunger is Chinese Food.
Since this doesn’t work, the second part of the diet is a colon cleanse, or in other words a Laxative. Eat all the berries you want, this will reduce your hunger, then take a laxative so you can shit them out before you get a chance to gain weight! Brilliant, it’s like bulimia, only you’re puking out your ass. Thank you Oprah! You help us so much.
While we’re on the topic of terrible diets, here’s a new one I’ve come up with. Drink nothing but energy drinks, eat nothing but styrophoam packing peanuts. The styrophoam packing peanuts will reduce hunger, while the Redbulls give you an energy shock. You won’t gain any weight because you’ll be dead, and you’ll be the envy of all your friends in your Mahogany coffin.
I have this friend. His name is Jose. He’s Originally from Mexico, or the Philippines, or India… something dark complected. Anyway he’s Gay, and lives in San Francisco, and I go visit him once a year or so. When we’re together we usually insult one another’s sexual preferences, accuse each other of being prejudice and racist or just insult each others clothing style.
It’s so much fun.
Now he’s moving to Salt Lake, and insists that his moving here is Blog worthy. I told him that nothing he does is even journal worthy, but he insists. So here goes:
The last thing I would have ever guessed is that he’d move to Salt Lake City. He claims that it’s because a head hunter tracked him down, and he received a job offer he could not refuse. I believe it is because he cannot bear to live his life in boring old San Francisco without me. In San Francisco all he has is boring old accepting gay friends. Here however, he gets all the ridicule he so thrives on.
All pot shots aside, I’m very excited that my friend is moving to town. So I plan to go out of my way, to show him that Salt Lake City is a cool place to live. I am not plugged into the Gay Community though, so I’m not sure what to show him. Off the top of my head, I figure I’ll need to find out where all the Froo Froo Boutique stores are, as well as any place you can buy a lace doily. He’s Chinese or something, so I’ll probably want to know where the closest Panda express or P.F. Chang’s is, and since he’s Mexican he’ll need to know where West Valley is.
He doesn’t have any fashion sense so he’ll need to know where JC Penny is, and being Jewish he’ll need to know that the Penny doesn’t actually stand for the prices. His Catholic Heritage will make the West Side a good place to live, and since he’s Mexican he’ll fit right in. Their is also a huge South Sea Islander community so he’ll feel right at home.
By the end of the week I’m sure he’ll never want to go back to… where ever he came from.
Dogs like smells. They love them. Crotches, ass holes, dead seals, and the like.
Apparently a dogs smell world is more than 100 times as interesting as a humans’ smell world.
In the human world, taste is where it’s at. We make soufflés, and frittata’s, thanksgiving turkey, candies and krunchies.
Dogs are content to eat human shit.
Now we have a wonderful new idea! Scratch and sniff dog treats! Why give dogs eatable treats, when their smell world, is out of this world!? Why waste perfectly good bacon strps on a dog, when the smell of it slow roasting on the bar-b-que is so much more fantastic!
Trap those smells in a smelly sticker, and scratch it for the dog to sniff. Don’t share your salami, just chew it up, and blow it in his face.
Just be careful, in France, blowing smoke in someone’s face is an invitation for sex.
I just finished watching the movie Run Fat Boy Run. It’s very good, like movies should be. Funny. Movies that make you feel good about the world when they end. Nice endings, where the lovable character get the girl etc. etc.
What’s so important about this movie to warrant writing about it?
Spin Classes.
In the movie he goes to a spin class. What’s a Spin Class? Well, if you’re like me, your first thought would be break dancing. Hip Hop, Swing, The Cha Cha, whatever. If you’re like me, you are wrong. Dead wrong.
It’s exercise bikes. Special ones, that play motivating music.
I know, what the hell? Who needs to pay for a class, when you could just don your IPod and ride any old stationary bike?
It’s gets better.
You also have a coach. The coach is egging you on, “Come on! Just a little further!” You have stationary racers to either side of you! “You can do this!” yells the coach.
You can’t let them win! This is exciting, you and all the other stationary racers, locked head to head. It’s beautiful, god damned beautiful!
Coach is up front, letting you all know the imaginary things you’re experiencing. Trees, the breeze, the sun on your face, those little mints that the housekeepers leave on your pillow.
Who needs fresh air? Give me an exercise bike, some Techno music, and a pretend sandwich. The world is my oyster.
Born sometime in the Spring of 2008. Missing in action Fall 2008.
Beaktard, age 8 months, returned home to her Heavenly Father sometime this fall (no one was really paying attention) After a two week battle with letting herself out of the gate. Beaktard was diagnosed with a genetic condition called Beak Retardedness. Beak Retardedness is a condition that emerges within 4 weeks of life that affects the alignment of the beak. This made it very difficult for her to eat. Her bottom beak stuck way out to the left and was always full of dirt, while her top beak was making the scoop a de scoop to the right. Her tongue stuck out the center like a little antenna .
Sara euphemistically named her Deliverance quoting “You got a purdy mouth boy,” this is a famous line from the 1972 movie Deliverance. Below is a clip from the movie. Watch, and remember.
Many believed beaktard would not survive, and suggested we put her out of her misery. She did survive… till she went and got her self killed by wandering too far from The Chicken Village.
She was born this spring in an incubator with many other motherless chicks, and sold to us by a local IFA Store.
Beaktard was a faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, advancing in the ranks of the priesthood, serving as Deacon, Teacher, Priest, Elder, Seventy, Apostle, and Prophet. She also served a two month mission to Africa the country. She went to college at Brigham Young University and died an old maid.
Beaktard’s biggest dream was to eventually marry in the Salt Lake City Temple. She never got the chance.
Beaktard also never got the chance to cook up any eggs for us, but she had a good life. She adopted two rabbits.
Beaktard was an extremely strong, patient, kind, and friendly chicken who worked hard to win over the affection of the humans who would have otherwise eaten her. She loved her Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ and was totally devoted to them. She loved the gospel of Jesus Christ, and enjoyed her job as Chicken.
Beaktard is survived by her two known living sisters, Larca, and Egglantine. She was proud that she was a chicken even when she had to eat with the side of her head flat against the pavement.
She vanished, but until then she was surrounded by loved ones, who kept tossing her back over the fence.
A memorial service will be held at the Church of Brunch on Sunday November 16th at 11:00 am
Friends and family are invited to offer condolences by e-mailing zach@zachmoses.com. Or by giving us money.
Most parent wake their kids up to a steaming hot bowl of oatmeal, or a nice bowl of Cocoa Puffs; not me though. Only the best for my boy.
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